So much to catch up on over the past few years. This post will focus on the adoption process that we are in the middle of.
(I went off topic for a bit in BLUE (Earl), RED (Jacob), and ORANGE (the move) below, but the BLACK print gets back to adoption stuff)
The wheels are turning. We are seeing traction. This is exciting!
We moved to Laurel, Maryland in April of 2016. I moved to Laurel to be the Branch Manager for Aptive Environmental. It was a big step up for our family; increased pay, responsibilities, and a brand new branch to build from scratch. We left behind our beloved Tennessee and set our sights on building our future in a new land.
Upon arrival in Maryland, I lined up an apartment for us to live in. I was surprised how expensive it is. A good portion of my increased pay was a 'wash' when factoring in the increased cost of living. This area is in the top 5% income per capita in the US. The cost of living followed suit.
I hired the office staff and started training in preparation for the 60 sales reps who would arrive in a few weeks. Baltimore was planned to be a 'big branch' projecting to add ~7,000 new customers every year. To our surprise, only 20 of the 60 reps showed up. The summer sales season had a rocky start, but our team worked well together and we salvaged a decent sales season (2,200 accounts) considering our disrupted starting point. The reps and I worked really well together and I was awarded for having the 'highest sales rep satisfaction' in the company.
After the 2016 summer sales season ended, our family looked to move out of the apartment and find a house in Laurel. We expected to stay for ~4 years, so we bought a house in West Laurel which had the better schools and put down roots. We loved the ward, the area, and we settled right in.
The next big step was to adopt children into our family. Kendra and I have been trying to have kids for 9 years now. However, God insists that we have a different calling to fulfill. There have been spurts of intense frustration and discouragement, but Kendra and I have since committed to make the best of it and direct our efforts into worthwhile tasks which we would not be able to do if we had children of our own.
In example, Earl;
We have provided my father Earl with the support he needs to function in life. He had endured decades of frustration, living with an un-diagnosed case of Asperger's syndrome / high functioning autism. It still is not a comfortable reality for him to accept. For the majority of Earl's life, he had been able to mask and disguise his mental disorder behind a brilliant mind. He had earned his law degree with his savant-like study habits. He did well in school, his church mission, and the Navy because they each required minute-by-minute structure; wake up at 'this time,' show up here, do this for 45 minutes, then the next task for 60 minutes, etc. When he left the Navy to start his own law practice, he was responsible for providing his own structure. This is when the wheels fell off for him. He just stopped functioning. He learned that he is able to distract himself from the pressures of the world by completing meaningless tasks that do not address the actual problem he faced. His mind was in his own world. From an external perspective, no one could understand why a brilliant guy and an attorney like Earl kept repeating failure after failure.
Kendra and I developed an environment where Earl could thrive again. He has been living with us and paying his share (of the rent, food, utilities, etc.) since 2012. I was a 1099 independent contractor for satellite TV installs. I got him trained on how to install a satellite tv system. He started out working with the satellite dish installation company that I worked at. He had his own truck, tools, and paycheck. After a short time, it became clear that his lack of customer service skills meant that he could not work on his own. There were too many complaints that Earl was 'rude, abrasive, and awkward.' I used to get angry and blame the customers who complained, but I learned that I can't fault these people for their complaints. It's their home and the tv technician only has 1-2 hours to build trust with the customer. Earl just does not know how to socialize and present himself as the 'gentle teddy-bear' that he really is. Customer service occupations and Asperger's Syndrome are two separate worlds. There were too many unprofessional interactions for him to continue on his own.
We decided that he would work with me in my truck and that I would pay him 30% of my check. It was a good arrangement. He did the outside work installing the dish and I worked with the customer and ran the wiring throughout the house. Earl helped me earn 30% more work, which was equal to his share of the profit. We enjoyed each other's company while driving throughout the state. We had 9 hours to spend together each day, working 6 days a week. Our relationship grew close as we talked for hours.
When I switched careers to work with pest control, Earl started working with Home Depot. I spoke with the hiring manager to set realistic expectations for Earl's job performance with Asperger's Syndrome / high functioning autism; how to communicate the task perfectly clear so Earl can understand and also that he may come across as 'grumpy', but that he is actually smiling underneath a grumpy looking exterior. He has been working with Home Depot for nearly 3 years now which has been a good fit for him and for Home Depot. Thank you Home Depot!
Earl has doing well with us. Kendra and I have developed a unique and unusually close relationship with my Father since he moved in with us. He is very much part of our family in a very unique way, and we love that he is a direct member of our family.
If Kendra and I had our own kids as we planned, we may not have had the opportunity to invite Earl into our home in the way we did.
In another example, Jacob;
Jacob faced challenges that we 'older siblings' didn't have to. Jacob had to deal with constant disruption throughout his youth. He never attended the same school in consecutive years. He moved from house to house after my parents divorced and lacked consistency year in and year out; different homes and different parents every year or so. Jacob lived with our family in Nashville for a summer when he was 14. I paid him $1 / hour to come with me on satellite TV installs. We worked together 60+ hours / week. During that summer, our relationship changed from a brother/brother to a father/son relationship.
In spite of the disruptions, Jacob had hopes of being a Naval Aviator, flying jets off carriers for the US Navy. He maintained a 4.0 GPA in his sophomore year while aiming to get into the Naval Academy. The next semester, he got a B and felt that all his efforts were in vain. That 'lost hope' started a downward spiral that led to destructive behavior.
While in Utah, Jacob was really struggling in his junior year in high school. Jacob was feeling depression and anxiety, and began to self medicate with drugs and alcohol. He was failing every class. We would talk, and Jacob knew for himself that he was not living up to his potential. I made the offer that he can come live with us in Tennessee, but only if and when he wants to commit to changing his life for the better; no drugs, no drinking, no smoking, and working towards a worthwhile goal. Jacob accepted my offer and chose to change directions in his life. He came to live with us just before starting his Senior year in high school.
Kendra and I developed a plan for him to commit to. He attended Hendersonville High School and worked with the Marine Corps JROTC program. He maintained a 3.3 GPA his senior year and graduated on time with his class. He also excelled in the JROTC program. His commanding officer wrote him a beaming letter of recommendation and explained that Jacob would be a great fit for the Marine Corps NROTC program. He also told us that the Marine Corps guarantees a seat in flight school if a candidate;
- drills with a college Navy ROTC unit (Vanderbilt conveniently has one)
- passes the Marine Corps Officer Candidate School (OCS) and The Basic School (TBS),
- passes the written and physical exams.
That was the goal we set upon. To graduate college as a commissioned officer in the US Marine Corps, then have a shot at flight school with the Marines.
After graduating from high school, Jacob enrolled for college at Tennessee State University, which is just across town from Vanderbilt. He earned multiple grants and scholarships so his tuition was mostly paid for as long as he kept his grades above a 3.0 GPA. While going to school at TSU, he drilled with Vanderbilt's NROTC program. Jacob lived at home with us in Hendersonville and commuted 40 minutes to TSU each morning at 4:00am to drill with the NROTC unit before going to class. His commitment to his goals were evident.
Midway through Jacob's freshman year, my job took me to Maryland which meant Jacob would stay in Tennessee by himself. We were hopeful that Jacob was ready to 'leave the nest' and go on his own. He did reasonably well, maintaining a 3.2 GPA through his freshman year at TSU and excelled in his NROTC program at Vanderbilt.
Things were appearing to line up for him, but that was shortly lived.
Due to his standout performance in NROTC, Jacob was recommended and awarded the full ride NROTC scholarship from the US Government. This scholarship required that he pass a physical. Part of that physical required Jacob to drop his anti-depressant medication. That medication would disqualify him for the scholarship outright. Jacob's commitment to the ROTC game plan was so intense that he decided to drop the medication cold-turkey. That's when the wheels fell off. The anxiety and depression was overwhelming. Jacob could not function and dropped out of school 3 weeks into his Sophomore year.
Just like that, the Marine Corps option was gone.
Jacob is now feeling the loss of the game plan that got him through high school. His dream of being a pilot is now derailed. These are very real struggles that life throws at us. We are learning to work through them together.
Through that loss, we have developed a new game plan where he makes a career in the pest control industry. Without working directly towards this goal, Jacob has acquired 3 years of experience in the industry. Jacob sold pest control door to door in the summer of 2015 with another company. He didn't sell very many accounts, but it was a 1st step into the industry and he learned a lot. He also worked for me at Aptive for two summers in 2016 and 2017. He was a customer service rep who helped customers resolve issues over the phone. He became familiar with the pest control software and the 'behind the scene' role. The next step is for him to learn the service side as a technician. He just started working as a technician with a friend of mine who works at another company.
In time, Jacob will be a prime candidate for a management role, having worked in all 3 aspects of the industry; sales, customer service, and operations. Whether he knows it or not, he is developing a marketable skill which employers eagerly pay good money for. His employer could be Aptive or any another company in the industry. Pest control is a very profitable industry. I have the connections with enough people in the industry to help him start out that path and make a decent living doing it.
We are working through the depression and anxiety. He has episodes where he feels that there is no hope for the future. He sets too high expectations for himself that he hates himself whenever he falls short, even to the smallest degree. He is back on his medication and is seeing a therapist regularly. Jacob is making slow, but steady progress. I frequently remind him that he is facing the right direction in life and that small daily progress will make in incredible impact over time. We are building hope in the future and Jacob is starting to visualize it.
I also showed him the power of compound interest and ROTH IRAs. At the young age of 20, he can potentially earn >$4Million to withdraw tax free at 65 if he starts investing $458.33 every month. He is committed to starting that with his next paycheck. That has been helpful to build hope for him.
Jacob is fully integrated into our family unit. We are building him up to the point where he can go out on his own again and thrive, but he will always have a home with us.
If Kendra and I had our own kids as we planned, we may not have had the opportunity to invite Earl and Jacob into our home in the way that we did.
It has been said that we have a Benjamin Button family. We 'adopted' a 60 year old man, then 'adopted' a 17 year old boy. Now, we intend to adopt a sibling group of younger children. Our family is growing opposite from the norm.
Kendra and I feel strongly that there are is a sibling group placed in foster care who, at no fault of their own, are terrified that they are going to get split up from each other. Their relationship to each other is the only thing that they have left, and they stand at risk of losing that also. For one reason or another, they have lost their parents. They have lost their confidence in depending on other people as well. Kendra and I feel that we are in position to take those siblings into our home, to offer them a safe haven from the cruelty of the world, and to love those kids as supportive parents should. We intend to create a structured environment that will let these kids be kids again.
God has withheld from us the path of biological parenthood. We believe that is because he has a different path for us, one of adoptive parenthood. Because we are in position to offer that service to our fellow men, we have a moral obligation to fulfill that unique calling.
We intend to adopt a sibling group.
We have completed our home study in May of 2017. Dues are paid, certifications are earned, forms are filed correctly. Our case worker loves us and we eagerly started the matching process. We planned to move on the adoption process after the busy summer sales season was over so we could invest more time to our new kids and step away from work a bit.
Then my boss called.
He told me that the Branch Manager in Nashville needed to be replaced. He asked if I was interested in going back to Nashville to take over operations there. He knows that my license is still valid in Tennessee. He knows that I love Nashville. He knows that I could not refuse that offer. I started thinking of all the reasons to go back;
- lower cost of living, no state income tax, I would keep my MD raise
- returning to our hometown of the last 6 years,
- returning to the relationships and church community who would love to help us raise these kids
The decision needed to be made quickly, as in 24 hours type of quickly. My employer needed a Branch Manager there asap. Kendra and I knew that this was a rare, one-time offer that would not come up again.
We accepted the offer. Perhaps too quickly, without realizing the gravity of these questions;
- How long would this set us back in adopting the sibling group?
- Should we sell our Maryland home?
- Should we rent out our MD home and play landlord from afar? Should we use a property manager?
- If the house sits vacant in MD, can we float a mortgage in MD and a rental in TN?
- How much extra effort is required at work to correct the culture of a broken branch in Nashville?
- What is the opportunity cost for Kendra's job / replacement?
- Would we buy or rent in Nashville?
We moved back to Tennessee in May of 2017. I lined up a 4 BR house on a month-to-month basis. We intend to buy or build a home in Nashville area, but not for a while.
We had a cash offer to sell our house in Maryland, but the offer was well below market value. We weighed the risk between renting it out and selling it now. In the end, we decided that we like the idea of being landlords and collecting rent payments. The overall equity in the home should go up over time while the tenant would pay down the principal. It took us two months to find a tenant, but we eventually found a high-quality tenant who signed a two year lease.
Kendra resumed her employment at Master's Gymnastics. She is good at what she does, but the hours are awful. She starts at 6:00pm and ends at 8:00pm. That is usually the prime time for us to hang out, but now she spends that time at the gym rather than with me. She is studying for her real estate license, where she can get a job working with Redfin for an hourly wage showing homes to perspective buyers. That license will also come in handy and save us on closing costs when we go to buy our next home.
Things are calm now. We finished the summer program and things are rolling smooth. We have a good crew of technicians and office staff. Company culture is set the way it should be. Now I can put my effort into the main priority, adopting our sibling group.
The next step is to get into a home and to update our home study. We are comfortable in our 4 bedroom home, but looking to expand into a home that has a 5th bedroom for the adopted kids. We have a few options to choose from and expect to move by the end of October. Then we can add the addendum to our home study and continue with the matching process.
Overall, the transition from Maryland to Tennessee took longer than expected. It cost more than expected. It was more emotionally draining than expected. However, our situation has stabilized and now we can get back to work progressing towards our goal.
We are excited to roll out the next chapter of our lives. It has been a long time coming. Will keep you posted as we continue on.
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