It all makes sense

Ever since I had my miscarriage about a two years ago, I have been a bitter, sad ball of woman when it came to babies. I prayed and prayed. The answer, "Its your choice."

Now this can mean so many different things. At the time I chose the meaning,"I didn't really want a baby right now, I am not ready. Thus because I didn't want it, God took it away." How much more negative could I get? I beat myself up for months...I missed out on the chance to make my dreams come true.

I came to the point that all I wanted was a baby...and it just wasn't happening. I tracked my period, I took my body temperature every morning. I found out how long my cycle was and what days I was fertile. All of it for nothing every time my period came. It always came. I became crazy depressed, angry, jealous.

So finally I made an appointment with the doctor. I have ALOT of scarring from endometriosis and cysts. Most women have movement between their organs down there. I have almost none. They are all glued/stopped up by scarring. So much so that getting pregnant the first time was against the odds.

She gave me two options:
1. Surgery to clear my tubes - which I hear is crazy painful :(
2. Take pills for 6 months to reduce the scarring - thats a LONG time!

All I have to do is chose which one I want to do...I get to CHOSE how soon I can get pregnant. Ha. It is my choice what option, it is my choice. It all makes sense!

It is amazing. The pressure is off. I don't feel like I am in competition with all of my female friends/family. I feel like I have control of my life again. As odd as it seems, I think I will go for the surgery, but perhaps in a few months. The urgency is gone. The excitement is back.

My HSG X-ray is scheduled for Feb 19...Yeah thats right the same day as Joslyn's wedding. Bummer. Oh well, here is to next month!